10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.