I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
That’s it.I’m out.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
No, I don’t think I will.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
crazy
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”