incredible
You Might Also Like
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I know
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.