10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Breaking news:
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.