@TheTweetOfGod: 100 million years ago there were no creationists.
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@ImaFlyontheWall: Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword? Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it.. Jury: *giggles*
@TheDjinnTrials: A fortune cookie told me I'd receive an important message soon. The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
@nayele18: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"
@WilliamRodgers: 18 is TOO young to get married! You can't even buy booze at 18! If you can't buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?