@TheTweetOfGod: 100 million years ago there were no creationists.
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@WhaJoTalkinBout: I had to call some kid's mom last night to tell her he's selling pot, and that it's waaay overpriced.
@jwoodham: The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
@ArfMeasures: ME: Off to the concert with my friends WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me [later] ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting