A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*