Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
never ask a starfish for directions
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I want this so bad
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.