@Ristolable: 100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.
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@abhorrent_wife: Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
@runolgarun: saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side
@ItsAndyRyan: Don't cry for me, Argentina, Keep your face dry, Dubai, No tears, Algiers, Or from you, Peru, Now Oman, no cry.
@Douchekevin: A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.