@Ristolable: 100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.
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@genehunter1: Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
@NickSchug: If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like "whatever this person seems exhausting."
@Sean_Burgundy_: Women would be better serial killers if they didn't smile when people mention someone's been missing
@THEDUTHCHESS: Yesterday 9 asked what's the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don't usually talk to me.