100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”