100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Rt to bother an English speaker
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us