RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?