I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement