[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
You Might Also Like
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Haha good job!!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box