10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?