10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I hate what you’ve done with the place.