1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
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Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Best mom ever 😂
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
no cat here