100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again