100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
You Might Also Like
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I am never leaving this website
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
my friends when i can’t do basic math
this has to be peak English
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book