10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
☺️
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
a fate I wish upon no one
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want