It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
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Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’