My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.