I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I’ve been learning to cook.