Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
this came to me in a vision
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator