I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.