The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Very good! 👍😂
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.