he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it