Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
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You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*jingles half the way*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang