Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla