me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.