ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Life is a suicide mission.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.