you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair