my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
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Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Milk Cube
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’ve had worse
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
A friend sent me this.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.