“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Admin smashed it 😂