I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The Punning Dead.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.