May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”