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@garrettbarry70: Wife. "Did you cut the grass?" Me. "Yep" Wife. "But it doesn't look any different!" Me. "I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out"
@KeetPotato: dude at house party: "anybody here wanna bone?" girl: "ew" girl 2: "no way" girl 3: "never" dog: "i am very interested in your offer"
@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day on the job at a mattress store] Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now. Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.