This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My sex drive has a dui
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.