Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
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Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that