Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*