“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
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being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Buying a well is money well spent.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.