Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
There are usually two types of merchants.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.