Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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God has abandoned us.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.