[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
hmm conte-me mais
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night