My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late