Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.