*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
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If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂