Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.