Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?