The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.