Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Canadian owl: Eh?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Guy who likes music
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!