There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.