My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
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How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
fr
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.