Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
You Might Also Like
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Remember folks 😂
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Just me?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name