The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
#NoRestForTheWicked
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
grotesque if literal: baby food
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
huge if true: the moon
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”