[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.